The Name Game

i thought a good way to introduce myself to this spot would be by offending some people that i think have far too little suffering in their life. stop me if i sound too much like george carlin with this (and by "stop" i mean shut up and keep reading) but the number of terrible names being given to children doesn't seem to be tapering off like we had hoped.

i spent the 4th of july with my gf, her family and another trio that was friends with the gf's sister. at first they seemed like nice people then i heard what they named their child. meet baby caiden. you would think that i'd immediately punch this adorable one year old in the face but he was far too young to understand why i would straight up jack a child right in his talkmaker upon hearing his name. of course, the point of such an assault (quickly followed by "that's what you get for what your parents did to you") would be to get them to despise their parents.

after distancing myself from poor caiden i quickly added his to my ever growing list of names that turn into future beatings followed by years of therapy. if you know someone with one of these names, drop hints like "ever think about legally changing your stupid name?" and if you know someone who named their child one of these names, please murder them.

10. Carson
9. Ashton
8. Cole
7. Bryce
6. Riley

5. Austin - don't name your child after a place, even if that place was named after a person.

4. Quinn - i hated Quinn before some douche-drinker with the same name keyed my car 4 times.

3. Madison/Makayla - surprisingly, most girl names don't piss me off that much. i suppose it's because if a lame name is used on a child it's to be cutesy and that's what dumb girls aim for anyway.

2. Aiden/Braiden/Jaiden/Caden/Hayden - all of these would look awesome on a tombstone.

1. Dakota - fuck Dakota.


Until next time...

(honorable mention. Heracles - gf's friend is naming her second child this against her will because her s.o. likes it and she got to name their first. i hope little heracles has mythical strength. he's gonna need it.)